Jealousy and Trust Issues

Hey there, how can I over come major jealousy and insecurity issues I have whenever my boyfriend receives a text from a ex-bed buddy or just a mate. He always says he has no time for people who cheat but last night he said he slept with a girl years ago that texts him all the time. She has a boy friend and I don't understand why she text mine so much. She flirts a lot but he just thinks she is being friendly, and he also said that he tried to get her to cheat on a boyfriend she had ages ago, so she'd sleep with my him. And he also denies telling me over an over he'd never sleep with her. He didn't like her in that way. Now he's making me feel like I'm going nuts by saying I'm confusing this one with another girl he use to text. It's just whenever this particular girl texts him my blood starts to boil and I just want to go off the rails at him, but I love him an don't want to loose him at all. Do I have a right to tell him to delete her number, or what? I also don't really know how to trust anyone except my Mom. What to do? Thank you, any advice will help.

I am in a very new, yet serious relationship. I would love to be with this man for the rest of our lives, and he expresses his feelings are mutual. My boyfriend, however seems to be incapable of trusting me. We have talked about his trust issues and in conclusion of our conversation, I end up feeling like everything I said was a waste of breath, time, and brain power. He is very insecure about a lot of things. I understand and know how he feels when dealing with that from first hand experience. When I was around 17 and 18, I would constantly feel like my friends, whom I was around most everyday; were always whispering or side-talking, and always laughing at me behind my back. When I'd confront them about it, they always "acted" like they didn't know what I was talking about. With my boyfriend, he has the thoughts that I am always sneaking around, doing things that I have to hide. He accuses I erase my phone history before he sees it. He never believes that just maybe there wasn't anything I should delete. I have stopped deleting my texts. My inbox can hold 200, but when 201 comes the first is gone. Before I go to erase texts, I let him know. I have done this with me e-mail once. He makes comments like "I'll find something.", and "If I find out you're lying, he may hurt someone or end the relationship.". He thinks I make some sort of sexual facial expressions or gestures to all his friends, minus one. He says I intentionally sit to where he can't really see my face. I have lived in my new town for almost a year and haven't made many friends. The one good friend I have made, female, he accuses me of sleeping with her. Granted we have fooled around in the past. Don't get me wrong, I fell in love with this man. We have fun doing anything together and are super comfortable with being ourselves and acting silly around one another. The feeling I get from a kiss from him is indescribable. I love it and I've never felt it before. I love him so much and I don't want to lose him. I read a little about irrational trust issues and the website mentioned getting professional mental help. My question or questions are: What can I do to make situations better? Is there a good possibility our relationship may fail because he is unable to let go of past experiences? Will he ever be able to honestly trust me? I just want him to know that I'm a real girl and I'm not about playing games and that my feelings are the way I feel. Thank you so much for the much waited on advice. Sincerely, Jill.

I have a close girlfriend for two years. We are both middle aged, and divorced and we stay most nights together and most weekends. We met on a dating site. We have had a rough time over the last few months and a big fight two months ago, but after a couple weeks we talked it out, pledged to do better and we resumed our relationship. Last week I was sitting on her bed with her using her lap top to check my email. When I put in the account information, up came an email address that she had obviously opened the week prior. And, there were about six emails, all between her and someone who had contacted her through the dating site. The emails contained a lot of data about their love interests. I did open them. Hey, they were right in front of me, and I saw they were talking about meeting and she had given the guy her phone number. I confronted her on it and she said it was just play and would never follow through, and that she was committed to me. I asked her to send the guy an email ending it and at first she agreed out of guilt, but the next day said she would not and that she had closed her account. Since then I saw an email she sent again to the guy that again spoke about them meeting when he returned from a business trip, in about two weeks. Now, I am about to take her on a trip for several days as my treat and I am feeling used. She insists she is not communicating with him, and I don't want to tell her how I know, but I do. I am concerned about her deception and told her if she wanted to meet the guy fine, but it would change our relationship. She denies any intent with him. Any advice on whether and how to solve this? I do love her and I do have a lot of trouble giving up.

Hi Jill, it seems he has some issues with control as well as mistrust. You need to ask yourself if you want to be there while he is learning to overcome his issues and grow toward a more normal and loving relationship. No one can tell you if he will change or not as that is up to him entirely. You cannot change him or his behavior. He must want to do that and see a need for it or he will not move in that direction of his own accord.

Hi Bob, the question is what is your gut telling you? Do you want to continue on with this relationship? You did not trust her and looked at her private email. I wonder how that made her feel at the time? Did she say what she said because of what you had done, or was it indeed guilt? These are questions only the two of you can answer. You could ask her how she sees and feels about the relationship? Maybe she is not yet ready to be exclusively yours just yet?

I have been dating this guy for eight months now we live together which is fine but, we've been fighting a lot lately. He's told me that I annoy him and its over. The simplest thing like asking to walk with me to the store bothers him. He does not have any trust in me for reasons I do not know why. I have tried talking to him plenty of times about our relationship and about solutions to making it better and what needs to be fixed for us to have a healthy relationship. He says he loves me and I'm the only one for him but, he doesn't want to put any effort into our relationship to fix it. What do I do? When I try talking to him about "us" he just gets upset and angry. I feel like I have tried just about everything and everyday I'm failing more and more. I have given him time away from me to cool down. I have talked calmly with him as well as talked to friends for advice to see if maybe it is something I'm doing wrong in the relationship. Girls are constantly text messaging him. I don't ask him questions like who are you talking to or what are you talking about but, when it comes to me he fights with me to read through my phone and find out who I have been talking to and what has been said. If he reads a message from a guy on my phone that is just a simple "Hey, how are you?" he gets mad and accuses me of cheating and fooling around on him. I have come to the point where I just do not know what to do anymore. I just have such strong feelings for him that I don't have the heart to let him go and move forward. Any advice I can get to help me solve these problems? Please and thank you.

In this case I am the do-er. I have been with my significant other for 4 years already with everyday that goes by becoming deeper and deeper involved in this relationship. I'm settled and I know this is it for me, I'm committed to this man and I know our feelings are mutual. Everything is perfect when we are together but things tend go downhill when we are apart because for some reason I accuse him for everything under the sun. He could be at his mom's yet to me he was out cheating. Now as for me I accuse before I ask. I make these "plots" up because of a feeling I get, or something that I thought I heard or saw when really most of the ideas are fabricated in my head. I admit that much. How did I get to the point to accuse for no reason? For example, my boy friend will write me love notes, compliment me every second he could, yet I take that and turn it around and say things like "you're doing this because you're guilty" or "who were you with today, is that why you're being so nice to me?" It's getting worse and worse for now he yells at me anytime that I'm about to accuse and I seem to get out of control when I get in that state of mind. How can I say I love him with all my heart when I can't believe him and yet alone trust him?

My husband and I dated for about a year or more before we got married in September of 2009. I remember I wasn't insecure, I was mentally strong and never felt the fear of him leaving me. Since we got married I'm a mess. I'm insecure and I cry all the time and if we have an argument or disagreement automatically I feel like I'm not good enough for him and get the fear that he is going to leave me. What is wrong with me and why am I like this after we got married?

Hi Tammy, this is not unusual for this to happen. When we marry we lose our identity as a single person and become a couple and you may be having struggles with voicing your feelings as a person in this new situation. You must ask yourself why you have fear? Am I frustrated right now and why? Have you been giving in on every disagreement? You don't need to do that you know. This maybe an esteem issue or it could be that you feel controlled or bulldozed into directions you are unwilling to go into. Some counseling could help. Do you have a Mother or older sister who is married or someone else you can speak to about their fist year of married life? This could help put your fear to rest.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. We live together and we are in love. About seven or eight months into our relationship I found out that he was sending inappropriate texts to a girl that lived in a different city. When I found out I was completely heartbroken because I felt like I had given everything I had to give into this relationship. I wanted to walk away, but we decided that we would try and work it out. The problem is that to this very day, I still have a problem trusting him when it comes to him going out and even talking on his cell phone. I find myself flipping out every time he doesn't come home when I think he should. And I find myself wondering when he gets a text message at three or four o'clock in the morning. I do believe that he loves me. I just don't understand why it is so hard for him to see where my insecurity is coming from. I want so hard to be able to trust him again, but I am so scared of getting hurt again. At the same time, this is the person that I want to be with. Every time I try to catch him doing something he has no business doing I fail. And he always has a decent excuse for why something happened, or why he didn't come home on time. Yet, I feel like he is just a good liar and knows how to lie to me. Please help me. I have tried talking to him and he reassures me that nothing is going on, but I am having trouble believing that. I don't want to ruin this relationship, but I also don't want to be played like an idiot. What do you think I should do?