Letting Go of Emotionally Unavailable Men

Question: I am wanting some advice about relationships. I seem to continue attracting the same type of man into my life: Emotionally unavailable! I understand my old "patterns" of relating to men, but have not yet been able to truly let them go. I know what I want in a relationship; I'm just not sure how to create it.

Answer: Dear one, first of all:

Recognize your beauty,

recognize your worthiness,

recognize the kind of friend that you are to others,

and recognize within you the availability of your emotions

and your willingness to share them.

After reflecting, ask yourself how much room you give yourself to express your emotions fully. Acknowledge this beautiful aspect of your nature.

By creating self-honesty within--meaning honestly appreciating all that you are and honestly acknowledging your emotional capacity to feel and connect--you can now embrace and love yourself. You can affirm what you want in your life. Say to yourself, "May I have this, or something greater, or something more expansive. May something equal, or richer than I am capable of imagining, come back to me."

Declare this statement as an affirmation, OK?

First you are acknowledging what you wish.

Then you are affirming gratefulness for having it.

Next you are declaring and anticipating that you can attract what you desire.

Now look outside of yourself and ask, "When people come into my life, do I compromise who I am?" If a relationship begins to come into my life do I compromise my emotions? If so say, "Wait a minute. What is it that I am compromising?"

Identify it and then give what you wish first to yourself.

As you give it to yourself, you will begin to feel better. You will be able to look towards another person and say, "These are my feelings and these are my needs. I do not know if you are able, I do not know if you are willing, and I do not know if you are capable of acknowledging or supporting what I have communicated. If you are, that is wonderful. If you aren't, just let me know so that I will know where our relationship exists. I can honor that".

Now what you have done dear one is created personal empowerment. You have created a place where you are empowering yourself and you have created a place where you are empowering the other person in your relationship. Therefore, you have built a foundation for co-creation that is empowered.

Now, sit back and allow time to manifest more of what you have declared. You will gain a clearer idea of how this person is going to fit into your life. Are they going to be just a friend, are they going to be just an acquaintance, or are they going to be a long distance neighbor? Now that you know more of what you want, hold this awareness within you and declare it as yours. Then watch and see who shows up.

You may keep doing this over, and over, and over again until you attract what you want. Yes there is practice. Yes you are going to go through a few frogs. OK? Frogs are our way of creating a Prince by getting better and better at knowing who we are and what we want. A Prince is not a myth. You can have your Prince. It is when you put your Prince on a pedestal, is when you get into trouble.

So dear one, given all that you are--with your beauty, your humor, your intelligence, your brilliance, and your emotional desire to connect--you will create a partner. Recognize that it is within the timing of what you declare. When you integrate this wisdom in your being then you will attract that back into you. A delightful love relationship will come. Just watch where your thoughts dwell.

Thank you, dear one.

--Alana

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By Christina

2010-08-26 01:50:45

Thank you so much for these words of wisdom. It's exactly what I needed to read today. I have been on such a painful journey these last three years, and for the first time I have stopped to be in tune with the pain and to question it. My relationships in high school through college were so good, wholesome, and the men were available. It was after I graduated that I began to attract really dysfunctional men, most of them being emotionally unavailable, and players. I finally broke the cycle of the bad man, and met someone who was very kind to me, yet still withholding and hesitant to be fully present. Two years ago I met my fiancee, and it was the first time I really allowed myself to fully let go an love someone. However, he was somewhat of a work alcoholic, and selectively emotionally available, on his terms. It triggered feelings of rejection, worthlessness, and just not feeling like I was good enough to be loved fully. After the breakup I have spent two years single, and met someone recently and bingo! There he was again. I had to ask myself the common factor is me. Am I expecting too much, maybe it's me? Then I started to feel utterly worthless. It truly cut into the core of my heart. Flashes of my childhood came up of my grandfather, who was present but withholding emotionally, and then the absent father. I have blamed myself all these years for their inability to love me, in particular my grandfather. I always thought that If I had been good enough, smart enough, bright enough, talented enough, he would have really loved me. It is a subconscious belief I have been carrying with me, and somehow as much as I don't want grandpa or my dad back, I am attracting them. I am as you said compromising myself. After this last guy, I broke it off before it got to that dark place, because everything started to feel familiar, but this time I was really in tune to how badly it was making me feel. I started to blame myself for him not being truly available, and I started to feel unworthy or not good enough to grab his attention. But luckily I have such wonderful and supportive friends who stepped in to point out that this was not a good man for me. But I had to believe this. I had to admit it, I had to see it, and I had to be the one to say "enough." I lingered for awhile, but it wasn't until one evening after a short non-engaging conversation with him, that I realized how alone I felt. I felt like this homeless puppy, that was begging for scraps, and it really made me sick to see myself this way. I wrote him telling him what I wanted in a relationship, and how I felt he and I weren't on the same page. I wished him well. The sad part is I haven't heard from him, no response. So I have to be the one to affirm myself and to remind myself I did the right thing for my soul. I finally stood up for my beliefs. Because it is a new thing for me to do this, I still have a hard time staying strong and trusting myself, but I am hoping this will get better over time. I will read this page over and over again, and use these questions "Am I compromising myself, or my feelings?" Thank you. Maya

By Giselle

2010-09-20 02:42:57

Ive been looking for some comfort with this very issue, Ive read everything and talked to just about everyone but these words resonated with me in a deep place. Thank you so very much.

By Jeri

2012-01-07 20:43:26

I too have experienced many of the same feelings as you have. I was friends with this man for over thirteen years and after he pursued me for the past six yrs our friendship crossed the line into a sexual relationship. I thought that we had a history and we knew each other well. We enjoyed each others company a lot, but he would only call me once a week. We would have dinner and hookup. This made me feel used, friend with benefits. I bought him a beautiful cashmere sweater for Christmas and he told me he was saving it to wear to one of his conferences, and not for me but the darn conference. He also would talk about marriage as I withheld sex telling him, if he can't commit then sex was no longer a part of the relationship. Low and behold he always said the right things and we were back at it. I felt like a toy that he put on the shelf and picked up when he wanted to use me. My self esteem has lowered and I carry so much shame for allowing this person to do this to me. He has told me about men who get the milk without paying for the cow, and that is what he did to me. I ended it after our last encounter seven days ago and told him to leave my house, and that I will not compromise my beliefs, not expectations, as he said those go both ways. He was trying to brain wash me. I then told him, they were my beliefs and that is part of my foundation for which keeps me safe and secure. He never made me feel secure, but when I was not with him, I felt secure. Also, whenever we had sex, I always felt terrible, empty, something was missing. My gut told me several times that this man loves taking from me, but gives very little in return. He wears two catcher mitts and doesn't throw many balls. In a balanced relationship, you have to throw balls in order to receive them. Amen. I hope I stay away from him as I have broke up with him three times in the past year only to accept his crumbs. What I have discovered is my father was just like him. My father was always there physically, but not emotionally for me. I was in many sports throughout high school to get my father's attention because he loved sports and that is what I was dating a man like my father. They both have wonderful qualities, yet can't give me what I yearn for and deserve. Good luck to you on your journey.

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