What is so beautiful about this type of sharing is you are not coming from a place of blame or needing to negate who he is.
Question: I’m in a long-term relationship of twenty years.
I don’t want to hurt anyone, but feel as if things have run their course and that I need to finish! I’m a bit mixed up.
There is someone else I feel very drawn to and I would like to explore and spend time with him.
He has just ended his relationship and is also mixed up, so maybe this wouldn’t be the right way to go. In some ways, I feel I shouldn’t change anything, as this would cause hurt to my current partner and he doesn’t want to finish what we have.
I have been feeling like this for a very long time. When I’ve tried to talk things through, I end up feeling guilty and staying put. I don’t know what to do at all.
If you can help, it would be appreciated, as I don’t have a clue how to handle this one. Nothing has happened with my new friend apart from a lot of talks, but I feel I would like to see where things could go!
The man I’m with now is not bad in any way, which probably makes me sound as if I’m a selfish person. I hope that’s not the case! His only real faults are that he will not talk and he’s very set in his ways.
He often says, “What good will talking do?” Believe me, I have and am still trying very hard, but I don’t know how much longer I want to be with him. What do I do when I haven’t a clue?
Answer: Hello, dear one. Thank you for bringing forth this question about partnering and relationship fulfillment. I would like to begin by discussing your nature, some of the reasons you might be staying in this relationship, as well as some of the reasons that prompt you to think of moving on.
Basis of a Relationship
First, examine your current relationship and ask why you are staying in it.
What elements within the relationship meet you, engage you, and fulfill you? What ones are satisfactory, stimulating, and exciting to you?
By asking and answering these questions it will help you gain an understanding of the reasons you stay and what attracts you to your current partner. This will also help you discern if the reasons you are staying in the relationship are fulfilling your needs and values.
By seriously delving into questions and discovering the answers the reasons you are staying in the relationship may come to light. If you are overwhelmed by your fears, such as not being able to meet the needs you have within yourself, then the basis for staying may be disempowering for both of you. Often an unuseful reason as a basis to stay in a relationship is based on co-dependency rather than a co-creative partnering.
The next area to explore is what you are seeking in an ideal relationship and then combine what you identify with the reasons you would like to leave your current relationship.
What is it that you are looking for in the outer world? What do you want to discover and learn about yourself?
Answering all of these questions will help you gain a greater understanding of your motivations on why you want to leave and if they are for the best reasons, or if you are looking for someone to make you feel complete.
These questions will help you evaluate the dichotomy that exists within you that wish to stay in the relationship, as well as the reasons that want to go.
The Basis for Staying or Going
The previous process will also help you tune into your innate values: what is important to you, where you feel your needs are met, and where you feel you are compromising.
It will give you a place to reflect on your desires and dreams that have yet to be fulfilled. As you go on this fabulous journey of self-discovery, be very linear and logical about your self-awareness. Then also engage with the parts of you that intuitively sense and feel because they will help you identify your deep inner truths relating to what you wish in your future.
After asking yourself the questions above, and listening deeply for your answers, you will be ready to discuss with your partner the things that you have learned. You may feel that he will not communicate fully with you, but that is okay. This step is really about honesty, including self-honesty. You are getting in touch yourself, being honest and in turn, you will be sharing with your partner the truth about your nature.
What is so beautiful about this type of sharing is you are not coming from a place of blame or needing to negate who he is. You are coming from a place of sharing who you are.
Whether or not he deeply communicates and fully engages is not the issue. It is more about you giving him an opportunity to know you clearly. It may be that once he has greater insight he may make a choice to transform in a way that builds more compatibility in your long term relationship.
It also could be true that what you communicate will create a greater gap in your relating. It’s useful to give up trying to control the outcome of your communication with your current partner. Speak your truth, in love.
After your honest and revealing conversation, you will have gained more understanding of your relationship dynamics. It will give you a bit more information about what the next step in your relating might be and whether you will stay or leave.
You may discover that your reasons for wishing to move on are valid and that your nature has a wonderful future ahead that may be enhanced from personal development and personal fulfillment.
The Other Interest
Now let’s discuss the other person you mentioned and the potential of this relationship becoming more primary.
You might take a look at what it is within him that invokes you getting in touch with aspects of yourself. Perhaps you long to connect with a more expanded sense of self but feel that you cannot while in your current relationship. Remember, what you sense and what you feel around this person points right back into yourself. What you feel is really about you.
So this person is a catalyst for self-discovery. It will be through the strengthening of your nature that you will receive more understanding of whether this other individual is meant to be in your life. Alana cannot predict. Usually, when we attract another person into our life it invokes greater experiences so we may recognize more about ourselves. We often learn through our longings because we want to know and express more of our passions and interests, but we judge or believe our current situations are limiting our self-empowerment.
The development of your questions, answers from within, and choices will come from gathering a greater understanding of your authenticity. Then what you learn can catapult you forward in life with greater sense of self. It will support you in creating a future of self-fulfillment and relating with a mate with whom you feel a deep sense of compatibility and understanding.
These steps can assist in transforming both you and the foundation of your relationship.
Discovering more about our values, needs, desires, and preferences is a journey, dear one. The only answer to happiness and fulfillment in relationships is through self-awareness and self- development, along with taking action steps based on self-honesty and clarity. With clarity comes a greater ability to allow you to follow what is true for you on your life path.
Once you get more clear about who you are, your light will shine more brightly. Then whoever is meant to be your soul mate or your partner will have a better understanding of the basis of your relationship. The dynamic will then draw the two of you into a deeper relating experience.
So thank you, dear one, for this wonderful question.