Question: I’m in a long-term relationship of twenty years. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but feel as if things have run their course and that I need to finish! I’m a bit mixed up. There is someone else I feel very drawn to. I would like to explore and spend time with him. He has just ended his relationship and is also mixed up, so maybe this wouldn’t be the right way to go. In some ways I feel I shouldn’t change anything, as this would cause hurt to my current partner and he doesn’t want to finish what we have. I have been feeling like this for a very long time. When I’ve tried to talk things through, I end up feeling guilty and staying put. I don’t know what to do at all.
If you can help, it would be appreciated, as I don’t have a clue how to handle this one. Nothing has happened with my new friend apart from a lot of talk, but I feel as if I would like to see where things could go! The man I’m with now is not bad in anyway, which probably makes me sound as if I’m a selfish person. I hope that’s not the case! His only real faults are that he will not talk and he’s very set in his ways. He’s often says, “What good will talking do?” Believe me, I have and am still trying very hard, but I don’t know how much longer I want to be with him. What do I do when I haven’t a clue?
Answer: Hello, dear one. Thank you for bringing forth this question about partnering and relationship fulfillment. I would like to begin by discussing your nature, some of the reasons you might be staying in this relationship, as well as some of the reasons that prompt you to think of moving on.
First examine your current relationship and ask yourself why you are staying in it. What elements within the relationship meet you, engage you, and fulfill you? What ones are satisfactory, stimulating, and exciting to you? This will help you gain an understanding of the reasons you stay in the relationship and what attracts you to your current partner. This will also help you discern if the reasons you are staying in the relationship are valid and fulfilling. It will also help you understand if the reasons you are staying in the relationship come from fears, such as not being able to meet these needs yourself. If this is true, often this is not a useful reason to stay in a relationship since this may describe a co-dependency rather than a co-creative partnering.
The next thing I would do is look at what you are looking for in an ideal relationship, and the reasons you would like to leave your current relationship. What is it that you are looking for in the outer world? What do you want to discover and learn about yourself? Answering all of these questions will help you realize if you want to leave this relationship for the right reasons, or if it is because you are looking for someone outside of yourself to make you feel complete. These questions will help you evaluate the dichotomy that exists within you, in relationship with the parts of you that wish to stay, as well as the parts that want to go.
This will also help you tune into your values: what is important to you, where you feel your needs are met, and where you feel you are compromising. It will give you a place to reflect on your desires and dreams that have yet to be fulfilled. As you go on this fabulous journey of self-discovery, be very linear and logical about your self-awareness. Then also engage with the parts of you that intuitively sense and feel to help you identify your deep inner truths about your future.
After asking yourself the questions above, and listening deeply for your answers, you will be ready to discuss with your partner the things that you have learned. You may feel that he will not communicate fully with you, but that is okay. This step is really about honesty, including self-honesty. You are getting in touch with you, being honest with yourself. In turn you will be sharing with your partner the truth about your nature, who you are.
What is so beautiful about this type of sharing is you are not coming from a place of blame or needing to negate who he is. You are coming from a place of sharing who you are. Whether or not he deeply communicates and fully engages is not the issue here. The issue is more about you giving him an opportunity to see you clearly. It may be that once he sees you clearly he may make a choice to transform in a way that builds more compatibility between you. It also could be true that what you communicate to him about yourself will create more of a gap in your relating. It’s useful to give up trying to control the outcome of your communication with your current partner. Speak your truth, in love.
After your honest conversation that reveals your nature, you will have more understanding regarding your relationship dynamics. It will give you a bit more information about what the next step in your relating might be and whether you will stay or leave. You may discover that your reasons for wishing to move on are valid for who you are, and that your nature has a wonderful future ahead that may be more related to your personal development and personal fulfillment.
Now let’s discuss the other person you mentioned and the potential of that relationship. You might take a look at what it is within him that invokes you getting in touch with aspects of yourself. Perhaps you long to connect with aspects of your nature, but feel that you cannot meet these parts of your nature while in your current relationship. Remember, what you sense and what you feel around this person points you back into yourself. What you feel is really about you. So this person is a catalyst for self-discovery. It will be through the strengthening of your nature that you will receive more understanding whether this other individual is meant to be in your life. Alana cannot predict. Usually when we attract another person into our life it invokes greater experiences for recognizing who we are. We often do this because we have a longing to know and express ourselves, but we judge or believe our current situations limit our self-empowerment.
The development of your questions, answers from within, and choices will come from gathering a greater understanding of your authenticity. Then this will catapult you forward. It will support you in creating a future of self-fulfillment and then relating with a mate with whom you feel a deep sense of compatibility and understanding. These steps are transformation for not only you, but your relationships as well.
It is a journey, dear one. The only answer to happiness and fulfillment in relationships is through self-awareness and self- development, along with taking action steps toward self-honesty and clarity. With the clarity comes the allowing to follow what is true for you on your life path.
Once you get more clear about who you are, your light will shine more brightly. Then whoever is meant to be your soul mate or your partner will have a better understanding of who you are. The dynamic will then draw the two of you into a deeper relating experience.
So thank you, dear one, for this wonderful question.